Today I welcome the wise and wonderful Sarah Stockton as she tells us how to cope with all the negative messages we creatives can receive about our craft.
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Writers have to cope with many negative responses, both personal (the reactions we receive from friends, teachers, or family to our chosen profession) and professional (those we receive when we send out our work). In my own experience and in my experience working with other writers, it’s the personal negative messages that are the hardest to overcome. We can collect rejection notices in a colorful binder, make a poem out of some of the choicest lines, pin them to the bulletin board and throw darts at them. But what about the negative messages that we carry in our hearts, those that weigh our spirits down and throw us off track, even from the distance of nearly a lifetime? I’m willing to bet that we’ve all got at least one wounding sentence that we carry around, said to us by a teacher, a parent, a partner, a friend. It might be something like:
“You can’t be serious about being a writer! You’ll starve!”
“This paper is not what the assignment called for. Grade: D.”
“Listen class, to this essay, as an example of what NOT to write.”
“Only really talented people can be writers.” (The implication being, “and you’re not one of them.”)
These are powerful and hurtful messages that might have originated in a relatively blameless person’s mouth, but have now assumed the toxicity of words spewed at us by what I think of as “the troll under the bridge.” Writers who are struggling with feeling like they deserve to write, wondering if they “have what it takes,” afraid to really embrace their dream, must confront this troll who tries to sidetrack us by throwing these powerful barriers across our path.
Here is a three-step process that will help writers to begin to move past the troll under the bridge, and on to their rightful path.
First: Acknowledge the troll.
Don’t pretend you aren’t bothered by what people have said in the past, or continue to say today. Look that troll right in the face.
Spend some time recalling these messages. Write them down. Ask yourself and write down:
- Who said them?
- How old were you?
- How did you feel?
- How powerful are they still today?
Then, give yourself credit for being brave enough to confront the troll and for the courage to keep going. Draw a picture of the troll or find an image in a book or on the web and stick your tongue out at it. (I keep a small troll figure near my desk, and have come to view it with some affection!)
Second: Let go of why.
It’s tempting to spend lots of time trying to understand why someone might have said what they did. Maybe your mother was worried for your future. Maybe your teacher was a frustrated writer himself. So many hurtful things have been said with the best intentions and the worst results. But after awhile, figuring out why someone said a certain thing or treated you in a certain way is no longer productive. It won’t change what they said or did. It’s time to move on.
Spend some time thinking about how much energy has gone into grappling with the negative messages you have received. Ask your self and write about:
- How important is it to me that I figure out why this person said what they did?
- How is this process helpful to me? And if it is no longer helpful to me, then what am I gaining, or avoiding, by continuing to stay focused on the negative?
- What can I do to acknowledge the positive messages I have received?
Third: What Does It Really Mean?
I am not just saying, “Let it go! Let it go!” Because I think we all move on from hurt at our own pace. What I would say is that the depth of the pain and the way it has lasted is an indicator of how strongly you want to write–how much it is a real part of you. After all, you’ve probably been told at other times in your life that something is not right for you–a color you were wearing, or a skill you tried out at work, or a certain haircut. Do these sentences hold the same charge, weigh you down in the same way, echo in your mind when you sit down to create? Having been told that you are not meant to write, because it’s too hard to make a living, or you aren’t talented enough, or you don’t have what it takes, can be a powerful barrier, yes, but think about this:
Your reaction is an indicator of how much your spirit resisted, and still resists, that negative judgment.
If you didn’t really care about what they said, you would have forgotten it by now. Your pain is a form of resistance–a lifelong and powerful message from your spirit that says “You are wrong. I am meant to write.” Hold that truth close to your heart. Let it sustain you as you move past that troll, and keep going forward into your own future as a writer.
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Sarah Stockton is a published author, teacher, and creativity consultant from San Francisco. In her own creative practice, Sarah writes nonfiction, poetry, and fiction. She is currently working on a novel, enjoys photography, and is learning to play the guitar. She blogs at Centered Path.
